Each day has begun to feel heavy. I don't want to get up in the morning. My body aches as if its been coiled tight in protection yet feels assaulted. I worry that I will get sick at a time when my son needs me so much. He is at the beginning of his young mans life. I try to stay aware of what is important and release my mind of other things. I try to protect myself from contact that is not helpful at this time, but I can't seem to be able to avoid it. In trying to be alone with me, people just want me more. I am so tired. I don't want to read emails, or have exhausting conversations with anyone.

What I truly long for is deep extended quiet. Which may only come if I go to a monastery. Spoke to my father today. Awkward. I don't have much of a relationship with my dad, except for phone calls on birthdays and holidays. He tells me he will be starting radiation for a tumor in the prostate. He seems calm and resolved. I am glad for I don't think I could handle anything else from him at this time. My father has often been self-pitying which has kept me at a distance. I offered to help if he needed anything. We hung up the phone with some feeling of understanding. For this I was grateful.

Allen continues to send me emails. I understand where the need comes from. For me though, I file them away after reading, for they are heavy and filled with messages that I am not ready for. It is perhaps a selfish and unrealistic need of mine, at this time, to hope for solitude and quiet.

The morning was spent on cleaning, bathing the dog and finding comfort in the mundane day to day things that one must do. I find deep comfort in the routine of the mundane. It goes with little thought and leaves me feeling accomplished in some way. A clean home, a clean dog and hopefully a clean heart.