Summer's end

I walked through this day in a shroud of quiet sadness, yet none of it should surprise me. It's been almost a year since my husband and I separated. Less than a week has gone by since he's come home and I welcomed him with hope surrounding me. He came home at my request to further examine if there was any truth to the hope that I felt.

After just a couple of days, the hope faded ever so slowly, mocking me as the pendulum of truth swung heavily in the air. He lays on the couch, eyes closed. There is a cool breeze coming in the window on this August day. Just one day after my 47th birthday. I watch him, this man that I have loved for just a mere five years, still wondering how it is possible to love and yet fail so miserably. I watch him knowing that this will be the last time. The last time that we will attempt to mend what is not for us to mend. We both know. I look down at him, I lean down and kiss his soft lips. I whisper "I love you", and he looks at me knowingly because we both know that this is true. We also know there is nothing left to be said.

I grab my keys and head to the door looking back for just one second at the image of my lost future. I see all my dreams, hopes and love evaporate. I know that when I come back home, he will have left and once again the quiet of our home will resonate with the echo of our short lived love story.

Each day has begun to feel heavy. I don't want to get up in the morning. My body aches as if its been coiled tight in protection yet feels assaulted. I worry that I will get sick at a time when my son needs me so much. He is at the beginning of his young mans life. I try to stay aware of what is important and release my mind of other things. I try to protect myself from contact that is not helpful at this time, but I can't seem to be able to avoid it. In trying to be alone with me, people just want me more. I am so tired. I don't want to read emails, or have exhausting conversations with anyone.

What I truly long for is deep extended quiet. Which may only come if I go to a monastery. Spoke to my father today. Awkward. I don't have much of a relationship with my dad, except for phone calls on birthdays and holidays. He tells me he will be starting radiation for a tumor in the prostate. He seems calm and resolved. I am glad for I don't think I could handle anything else from him at this time. My father has often been self-pitying which has kept me at a distance. I offered to help if he needed anything. We hung up the phone with some feeling of understanding. For this I was grateful.

Allen continues to send me emails. I understand where the need comes from. For me though, I file them away after reading, for they are heavy and filled with messages that I am not ready for. It is perhaps a selfish and unrealistic need of mine, at this time, to hope for solitude and quiet.

The morning was spent on cleaning, bathing the dog and finding comfort in the mundane day to day things that one must do. I find deep comfort in the routine of the mundane. It goes with little thought and leaves me feeling accomplished in some way. A clean home, a clean dog and hopefully a clean heart.

"She is destined to devote her life to another.... Whether married or single this individual ultimately comes to learn that her life is a mission, dedicated to another soul needing more than she does. Her karmic lessons are in developing kindness and an understanding nature. As soon as she does this she is rewarded a thousand fold for all she gives." ~Karmic Astrology

This according to my husband is representative of the North node in the seventh House....I know I sound like I actually know what I am talking about. I don't. My understanding is naive and limited. I just read what he gives me. Part of this statement which is not shown above also states that for this individual trying to focus energy on the self only leads to misery.

What is interesting to me about this is that I have had three serious relationships in my life. All to men who I loved deeply and gave up much of who I was to fit into their lives. Often leaving me unfulfilled, empty and lonely. Seldom having my own needs met. The times that have felt the most nourishing to me were when I left the relationships and focused on me. I find that so often I take my role as a caregiver deeply and profoundly serious. My role may be that of nourishing the soul of others, but often I have found it not to be rewarding. I have been left stranded, standing in my own muck of sorrow wondering how I got there.

I am once again seeking to understand the choices I make in seeking my own self love, peace and happiness. Trying desperately to hold on to some form of integrity, the simple right to be me. I am told that my duty to the "other" is the only right path. If this is so, then I will end up right at the very beginning of all that I have believed was not right for me.

2:45am I wake with a start, its ok, its raining hard and what woke me was thunder. I am shakey. Being startled has left me feeling nauseous so I get up and with achy limbs head to the bathroom. I don't need to turn on the light, for this routine of being up in the middle of the night is all too familiar. I reach into the cabinet for the Tums. I don't feel well. I go back to bed and sit on the edge of the bed and say a prayer, out of habit I cross myself and ask God to help me. I am given to prayer, or conversing with God in the middle of the night. I have been restless for so long.

There was a question that had popped into my mind last night and I had wanted to write it out but I did not thinking that I would remember it. Funny, I knew that I would not. I am anxious and fearful. Perhaps to say it out loud helps me to somehow control it. I have never been very good at quieting my thoughts, especially ones that haunt me.

My goal today will be to try and not be lured by my thoughts, phone calls by others or emails. Today, I will do my best to focus on just being and not take the bait of needing to fix what I cannot right now. Today, I will find some inner reserve in me that will help calm the turbulence inside. We all struggle, and though I feel responsible for the struggles of those I love, I know that I am only responsible for mine.

Changing the time on our clocks forward is the worlds announcement that we must get ready for Spring. New beginnings. How I love that! I am more than ready. Not just for the sun to stay out a little longer, but for an opportunity to start all over. It has been a long winter, filled with many changes, not all good, not all happy, not all for the best. Some mistakes were made along the way, some hard lessons learned, some pain felt along the way.

I am working hard at this time to find some truthful meaning to my life, separating from people, things, and situations. Just recently, I discovered some patterns about myself that have led me away from true consciousness about how I want to live my life. It is hard to confront this reality. Frightening really. It has left me raw and with only myself to look at. Understanding that if I want change, positive change, then only I can be the change I want to see.

As I trudge along, the process and progress seems so very slow. Some days there is not an inkling of an answer. Those around me wish for more as I try so very hard to explain that I am frozen at the fork in the road wanting so desperately to choose a path that is right, a path that will bring great promise, yet I stand looking, seeking and still I stand at the fork, praying that someday I will understand and choose with great care and commitment the path that can be the only one for me.