2:45am I wake with a start, its ok, its raining hard and what woke me was thunder. I am shakey. Being startled has left me feeling nauseous so I get up and with achy limbs head to the bathroom. I don't need to turn on the light, for this routine of being up in the middle of the night is all too familiar. I reach into the cabinet for the Tums. I don't feel well. I go back to bed and sit on the edge of the bed and say a prayer, out of habit I cross myself and ask God to help me. I am given to prayer, or conversing with God in the middle of the night. I have been restless for so long.

There was a question that had popped into my mind last night and I had wanted to write it out but I did not thinking that I would remember it. Funny, I knew that I would not. I am anxious and fearful. Perhaps to say it out loud helps me to somehow control it. I have never been very good at quieting my thoughts, especially ones that haunt me.

My goal today will be to try and not be lured by my thoughts, phone calls by others or emails. Today, I will do my best to focus on just being and not take the bait of needing to fix what I cannot right now. Today, I will find some inner reserve in me that will help calm the turbulence inside. We all struggle, and though I feel responsible for the struggles of those I love, I know that I am only responsible for mine.